Confusion and Tears

Record my misery; list my tears on your scroll—are they not in your record? Then my enemies will turn back when I call for help. By this I will know that God is for me.” Psalm 56:8-9 (New International Version)

“I can’t do this anymore! I’m not sleeping and everything’s worse when I’m sleep deprived. I feel lousy when I’m on the meds or off the meds. I want to live a normal life again!” And then the tears and sobbing flowed.

For several weeks, I had bottled up my fears and my tears about how my mind and body felt as slowly my insomnia grew from one hour to many hours each night, often not falling asleep until after 4 a.m., no matter how tired my body was. And when I was awake, my body felt hyperactive.

As I lay in bed each night, I prayed for my family, loved ones, and friends, and then I asked God to bring me calm and rest so I could sleep. Eventually slumber came…sometimes as the birds began chirping in the morning.

In a weird twist of this crazy Lyme disease, when it came time to wake, I couldn’t. My body felt so heavy, my eyelids seemed to be sealed closed with glue, and my muscles felt weak, kind of like jello. This happened even if I had the chance to get eight hours of sleep. Yet when I finally rose and woke myself and became more alert with my usual morning routine, I usually felt like I could do normal activities.

My dear husband has walked through so many difficulties with this disease, and I know when I cry and sob, he feels helpless (as most husbands do). But he held me, told me he was praying for me, and that really helped. Someone who is walking this journey alongside me and who is praying. That’s all many of us with chronic illnesses need when we fall apart.

As we talked, it became clear that my insomnia started when I started a new medicine protocol a few weeks ago, and it gradually got worse. Since I’m very sensitive to medication, we realized one of the meds was probably the culprit. So I stopped that medication and within days, my sleep was much better. I see my Lyme doctor soon, and we will discuss if I can start on a much lower dose and ramp up, or if I need to do a completely different protocol.

In the verses from Psalm 56 above, the image is that of a papyrus scroll on which God is recording my tears and troubles in His heavenly royal records. He knows and records EVERY tear that falls from my eyes. When I call for help (in the middle of a sleepless night), He promises to turn back my enemies (Satan, who rejoices in my disease, pain, and insomnia) and be on my side. He takes action. His help does not usually come in our timing, but in the timing that is best for us.

“The image is that of a papyrus scroll on which God is recording my tears and troubles in His heavenly royal records…He knows and records EVERY tear that falls from my eyes.”

God gave me wisdom and just enough time of suffering this insane insomnia to realize it was from one of the medications I was taking. And I can tell you that peace came with that realization, even before I knew what the result would be. I was not paralyzed, but could move forward. And that is huge when you have an illness like chronic Lyme and don’t know whether what you’re experiencing is from the disease, a side effect of medication, or a “die-off” of the disease and toxins in your body.

So the next time that your spouse/partner, family member or good friend has a meltdown, let them cry and sob. Just be with them, put their tears on your heart (your scroll), and pray for them. That will bring #hopethroughchronicillness and God will use that time to assure them that He is on their side!

This is Jackie….living with #hopethroughchronicillness

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